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Kim Issac is a co-owner of Patio Bar in Walyalup/Fremantle. Kim reflects on what it took to open his bar.

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FUND ISSUE 2
I Did What I Said I Would Do
Kim Isaac

It is a super complicated feeling to analyse what you gain and lose from dedicating yourself to achieving one goal over a long time. To prove to yourself that you're not lying to yourself. That the outcomes you have promised are possible and that your word is sacred and strong. That you'll change your perception of yourself. Like to have this ultra hard level of expectation on yourself and think that others care in the same way that you do. It was this massive relief to shut that down. It was a satisfaction of “I did what I said I would do” and it was hard and I had to persevere and I could only do that with the person closest to me. Not the broader community, but the one directly there, the one that supported and listened and trusted and hoped and probably felt frustrated and worried and loved me. The one that I loved. So then subsequently finishing the loop, closing it and having it settle. Stepping outside of having to think about it for so much of everyday, there's a kind of a come down. A feeling that this was meant to be it to some degree and maybe  it's not. Or if it is, that it is different to what you thought it would be. 

So it's interesting to kind of psychologically evaluate yourself after such a mass effort and such a mass challenge that had these big internal gains and also saw the breakdown of your biggest relationship. That there's still work to do and there's still progress to make inside yourself, and although that's okay, that's fucking scary. I think I confused achieving a goal potentially with achieving purpose, kind of thinking that purpose could be achieved through accomplishment. Which maybe doesn’t work that way for me. Maybe it's an action. You know, attempting to achieve my purpose was kind of missing the point, maybe you’re meant to just live your purpose. I want to feel a sense of it and I asked the question a lot. I guess that's the question that eludes a lot of us and I'm jealous of those that have a single minded knowledge or belief in it. Probably for most of us it's love and a family of some sort and that's probably the same for me. Which is ironic because I  had that. 

Being single minded for so long then coming out of the other side of it felt like finally clearing a haze. I wasn't living to some of my values anymore, I know it's natural to change. I got obviously better in lots of ways. I'd developed fortitude and will and had learned things and acted in ways that would help this part of myself get to where it is. I'd lost like little parts, little things, spaces inside me. I lost a kind of a curiosity in enjoying the unknown and I resented that loss. I resented it and I loved it too I guess. I craved stability and security and I got that. I have that. But ultimately I just want and wanted to be happy. That's why most of us do anything right? And I guess deep down that search, that grind, that application, it kind of told me that I wasn't happy in some ways because that ended up being all that I had focused on and I was using it to fulfil something, not as a goal. 

I have spent a lot of the last ten years trying to delineate goals, passions and purpose. It was a question I used to love asking. Somewhere it developed into a pit in my stomach when I kind of tried to work out what I was destined for or what I was meant to do. I had an unrivalled intrusive thought that was sitting at the top of my brain’s anxiety food chain. That pit is now gone and it has been replaced with inner knowledge and an OCD diagnosis haha. It turns out that I needed to  stop thinking so damn much to find enough space to act on my goals. I’m happy the curiosity of the question has come back and it’s without the pressure. Think less, do more. Nothing has felt like I thought it would and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.